Swords & Saturdays - Pagan Warrior (2019)

 

Synopsis

When his castle is taken by vikings a king and witch summons the Yule demon, Krampus to reclaim it.

Review

I give this movie some credit. Combining Krampus and vikings is a fun idea The castle used for the film is impressive looking. Also, this flick is definitely not like any other Christmas/Yule movie out there. However, other than the plot point that Krampus is only active on Yule, you'd never know this was a Yule flick.

Krampus looks pretty cool. The demon would fit in well at one of the Krampus parades they have Austria. I like the animalistic mask and while he's not phenomenal looking, he looks good considering the budget. He does have obviously human hands though, which looks wrong.

Now that I've got the positives out of the way, there's a lot working against this one. The acting isn't great, even for a B flick. The outfits look like homemade Renfest wear. The movie has weird pacing issues, as well. 

Honestly the movie is just really dull, which is unfortunate give the potential of the original title, Vikings vs Krampus. 

In Your Game

The version of Krampus in the movie didn't seem super powerful, but was still deadly to common folk. That's why I think Tim Brannan's version of the creature would be great to use as stats for it.

------------

If you want to discuss more flicks like this or check out other gaming related goodness you should just the Facebook group I'd Rather Be Killing Monsters. My fellow admin Tim Knight of HeroPress and Tim Brannan of TheOther Side Blog are sharing our creations. Follow the hashtag #IdRatherBeWatchingMonsters to track those posts.

Swords & Saturdays - Deathstalker (1983)

Plot

A mighty warrior, Stalker, is tasked by witch to retrieve an item of great power and defeat the evil wizard, Munkhar. 

Review

This is Roger Corman first Conan cash-in. The protagonist, Stalker, is not a hero. Upon his introduction he kills some degenerate humans, an attempted rapist, and then proceeds to have his way with the rapist's intended victim (though she gets away). That's not the only problematic treatment of women in this flick. There are bare breasts EVERYWHERE! They are treated as eye candy and prizes. Even the heroic warrior woman that joins Stalker on his quest is topless in her introductory scene.

The plot doesn't make much sense. Stalker has to gather three items for ultimate power. I really don't know why anyone would trust this guy with it. One of these items grants him protection from death. 

Its many flaws aside, this is one of those, so bad it's good flicks. It's one of the better Conan knock-offs. This is one of those flicks that a hormone-addled teenage geek would get a kick out of. I can't say I recommend the flick, but if you want to watch it, it's free to view on Tubi.

If you have the time, watch this wildly entertaining review. 

Pig Face

Medium humanoid, Chaotic  evil

------------------------------

Armor Class 12 (studded leather, dexterity)

Hit Points 47 (5d8+25)

Speed 30 ft.

------------------------------

    STR     DEX     CON      INT        WIS        CHA

20 (+5)   9 (-1)    20 (+5)   10 (-0)   10 (+0)      8 (-1)

------------------------------

Saving Throws Strength +8

Damage Resistance bludgeoning

Skills Athletics +8, Intimidation +8

Senses darkvision, 60 ft., passive Perception 10

Languages Common
Challenge 2 (450 XP)

------------------------------

Arm Ripper. If Pig Face rolls a 20 on his unarmed attacks his target his to make a DC 15 Strength Saving Throw or have their arm ripped from their body. 

Fearsome. Pig Face can use his Strength in place of Charisma for Intimidation checks.

Actions

------------------------------

Multiattack. Pig Face makes two unarmed or severed arm attacks.

Unarmed. Melee Weapon Attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 8 (1d6+5) bludgeoning damage.

Severed Arm. Melee Weapon Attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 8 (1d6+5) bludgeoning damage and 3 (1d6) psychic damage. This action can only be used if Pig Face has successfully used his Arm Ripper feature.

Pig Face is a vile and blood thirsty raider that was cursed with porcine features by an angry wizard. He revels in violence and the thrill of feeling his foes perish at his bare hands (or their own).

Swords & Saturdays - Outlander (2008)

 This is the first of a semi-regular feature I'm starting up. My plan is to review swords & <insert subgenre> flicks and provide some new 5e content based on them. I'm going to start with Jim Caviezal's vikings vs alien flick, Outlander.

Plot

Kainan is a man from beyond the stars who finds himself stranded on earth with a monstrous alien bent on revenge. He is captured by a viking village. He soon becomes an accepted member of the clan and seeks to aid them in defeating the "dragon" that took everything from him. 

Review

This weeks was the first time I'd watched this flick since it first came out. Good "D&D" movies are hard to come by and I think I appreciate this more now than I did then. While it's not quite as on the nose as The Thirteenth Warrior, there are definite shades of Beowulf here. The village is Heorot and it's lead by King Hrothgar.

While Jim Caviezel isn't exactly the most charismatic lead (something to say about he man who played the best known theatrical depiction of Christ), he's a solid stoic lead. I really enjoyed the rest of the cast. Sophia Myles is delightful as the fighting princess, Freya. John Hurt plays his classic, no long for this world, wise leader. Jack Huston did a phenomenal job as the cocksure rival turned friend, Wulfgar, and Cliff Saunders was great as comic relief character, Boromir. 

One of the things I liked about the film is while the creature is a man-eating monster, it actually has a legitimate reason to do so. Genocide of a species seems like a legit reason to be pissed. The Moorwen, itself, was a decent looking CGI alien. It was really original looking, but the mood ring glow was cool and honestly, you mostly saw it in the dark.

Ultimately, while I don't think this is a great movie, it's a fun sword flick and one I don't mind rewatching. 

Moorwen, Adult

Large monstrosity, Neutral evil

------------------------------

Armor Class 15

Hit Points 88 (9d10+18)

Speed 40 ft.

------------------------------

    STR     DEX     CON      INT        WIS        CHA

20 (+5)   15 (+3)    16 (+3)   10 (-0)   13 (+1)   8 (-1)

------------------------------

Damage Resistance fire

Damage Immunities bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical or adamantine weapons

Skills Stealth +6

Senses darkvision, 60 ft., passive Perception 11

Languages Moorwen
Challenge 5 (1,800 XP)

------------------------------

Spider Climb. The moorwen can climb difficult surfaces, including upside down on ceilings, without needing to make an abilities check.

Actions

------------------------------

Multiattack. The moorwen makes two tail whip attacks.

Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 31 (4d12+5) piercing damage.

Tail Whip. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit: 16 (2d10+5) slashing damage.

You can  learn more about the Moorwen here.